Stevie Joe Has To Clarify Something

Some readers have apparently gotten confused. So, here's the deal: Junior is a person. He's a real, live human being. Junior Junior is a dog as in "woof woof." In fact, he's Junior's dog.

Also, Junior, the person, and NOT Junior Junior, the dog, wrote the poetry. Knowing both of them, I find that hard to believe, but it's true. Here's some more:

Romance chances
Furtive glances
Cupid's glee

I think a wink
It's not a blink
None for me

Furtive?
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Discovers Junior the Poet

Well, we finally arrived home, and Junior got to come along for the ride. This is a bigger deal than it sounds. See, normally, Junior can only go for so long before he passes out. However, without alcohol in the equation, he is a non-stop blab machine. Turns out that lack of booze makes him more miserable than ever, and, boy, did he want to talk about it!

After telling him to shut the hell up for the 400th time, Mrs. Stevie Joe finally threatened physical violence. If anyone can put the fear of God in you, it's an angry Mrs. Stevie Joe. So, Junior took to writing his thoughts on paper. I didn't even know he could read! Here is a selection:

My face of rage
Flying fists come
No control

I feel the shame
Can't face the truth
Hurt myself

Whaddya know. A regular poet. Maybe, he's like Charles Bukowski, except stupid.

Hiding all the sharp objects,
Stevie Joe Parker

More with Stevie Joe on Vacation

Junior Junior has been the ideal houseguest. He is funny and charming. Plus, he cleans up after himself. He's all the things that Junior isn't. This is why Junior Junior is allowed in the cabin while Junior stays on the porch.

By the way, if you haven't read about Junior Junior before, let me fill you in. He's Junior's dog.

Junior Junior has made friends with a local blue heron that we named Elmer. Elmer gently glides over Junior Junior's head all around the lakefront. Junior Junior chases after him, but Elmer is a little too crafty to get caught. Anyway, they've been doing this for four days now. So, I guess they enjoy it.

Junior, on the other hand, had gone missing. Apparently, some fool told Junior that there was a bar on Lake Barkley that served alcohol. Now, we are on Kentucky Lake, but you can get to Lake Barkley via a one mile canal. The lack of alcohol in Marshall County drove poor Junior to stealing my rented fishing boat, and he went in search of the bar. While he was able to make it all the way to Lake Barkley, he did not find the bar as he ran out of gas in the middle of the lake.

The boat eventually drifted over to the west side of the lake which is all park land. That means no bars, no houses, no telephones, no nothing. Junior, being as dumb as he is, had no idea what to do. He walked on and on for a couple of days before a park ranger arrested him for showing up at a Boy Scout campground nekkid. He has no explanation for his nekkidness, and neither do I.

As I write this, Junior is once again on the porch, and Junior Junior is enjoying the air conditioning of the cabin. Mrs. Stevie Joe and I are going home tomorrow, and we are taking Junior Junior with us. Whether we take Junior is still open for debate.

I don't think there is a merit badge for that,
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Finds a House Guest

This morning, I was sitting on the porch of the cabin at Kentucky Lake enjoying a cup of coffee when a horrible sight appeared before me. It was Junior's dog, Junior Junior, and he was staring me straight in the eye. He let out a single bark and then began trotting around the corner. I followed only to find Junior himself curled up asleep under a tree behind the cabin.

After I woke his sorry ass up, he explained that Jimmy had offered to drop him off at the lake. Of course, Jimmy figured it would be well worth the effort to get rid of Junior for the week. Now, Junior had no money, no food, and no place to stay. He was not going to get in the cabin, but I said he could sleep on the porch. This angered Mrs. Stevie Joe to no end, but I didn't see how it could be my fault. It's not like I forgot to lock his cage or something.

At the moment, I'm trying to figure out how to tell him that this is a dry county. Wish me luck.

The weather is great, wish you were here,
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Goes on Vacation

I'm sitting here on the porch of a cabin on Kentucky Lake, and it's damn beautiful. Mrs. Stevie Joe and I are on our first vacation in many years. Frankly, I needed the time away from the folks in Junebug Holler. I love 'em and all, but they do wear on you at times.

By the way, I'm writing this on my nifty new iPhone, but don't tell Mrs. Stevie Joe. She thinks it's one of those pocket poker games.

All for now,
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Watches the Constitution Slowly Whither Away

First, Alberto "Crazy Al" Gonzales said that the US Constitution does not grant US citizens the right to Habeus Corpus. Now, President Numbnuts is attacking the Fourth and Fifth Amendments.

On July 17, El Presidente issued Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq. What this means is that if you are a person inside the US, citizen or not, and you either commit and act of violence or pose a significant risk of committing an act of violence that undermines US efforts to stabilize Iraq, then the government can seize all your property and assets. Oh, by the way, they can do this without any prior notice, and you will have no legal recourse.

The Fourth Amendment guards against unreasonable search and seizure and requires a warrant with probable cause supported by oath or affirmation for any reasonable seizure.

The Fifth Amendment says that you cannot be deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process of law.

So, what does this all mean? Any provision that strips away such Constitutional safeguards is subject to abuse. So, theoretically, the President might decide that a person who is planning to attend an anti-war rally where there might be a clash with police falls under this order, and that person's property and assets can be taken without notice and without any legal recourse. In fact, the government could use a loose interpretation of this order to block all anti-war activities. Since the order specifies that there is no legal recourse, it might be difficult to challenge such an interpretation.

In either case, the order clearly violates both Amendments, and it is a shock that any President would issue such a thing.

Also, check out Section 4. If you look up the US Code referenced in the order, you'll find that Section 4 of the Executive Order prohibits any donation of "articles, such as food, clothing, and medicine, intended to be used to relieve human suffering" to the person whose property was seized. That means after President Numbnuts takes away everything owned by your friend planning to attend the anti-war rally, it will be illegal for you to give him or her any food, clothing, or medicine. Nice.

It was fun while it lasted,
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Watches the Local Follies

Last night was the meeting of the Junebug Holler Mensa Club, also known as the village council. During the meeting, it was decided to buy a storage building to house the village's various plows and tractors. Sounds fairly straightforward, doesn't it? Not in Junebug Holler.

About 3 years ago, Mayor Barney built that storage building himself for about 120 grand. He then leased it to the village on a monthly basis. Even in Junebug Holler this can raise some eyebrows. So, a year or so ago, he sold it to a mysterious, out-of-town corporation for about $150K, and they continued to lease it to the village. Now, this corporation is selling it for $240K. That's fairly fine appreciation for one year's ownership.

Fortunately for the local residents, our state representative Pooter Hoskins (don't ask how he got that name) was able to secure a state grant to cover most of the cost of the building. So far, so good, except for the price.

At the meeting, councilman Jimmy, possibly the only one with half a brain, made a motion that the village get the building appraised before committing to buy it at the $240K price. Mayor Barney carefully explained that the building would never appraise that high so getting an appraisal would be a waste of time. He actually said this - out loud - at a public meeting.

Obviously, something here smells awfully funny. Yet, the motion died for lack of a second, and the gathered citizenry went home to watch the TV. Today, there was no mention of the comment in the paper, and my head is just about ready to explode.

Lord help me!
Stevie Joe Parker