Thursday, March 29, 2007

NASA Freaks Out Stevie Joe

There is a hexagon on Saturn. I kid you not. It is large enough to fit four (FOUR!) planet Earths inside of it, and it has been there at least twenty years. It is a weather pattern that is circulating around Saturn's north pole, and the good folks at NASA have no idea what is causing it. Here are some pictures and NASA's official story.

This serves me right for watching 2001: A Space Odyssey and The X-Files. I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight. Dang!

The truth is out there,
Stevie Joe Parker

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Stevie Joe's Local Entertainment

One of the things that is so great about living in Junebug Holler is that there is free entertainment around every corner. Whether it is Dickie Jensen running nekkid through a party or Junior trying to use the computer over at Prudy's. One of my favorite local acts is Junebug Holler's long-time chief executive, Mayor Barney.

Despite the stories you might hear me tell about our little town, there are some smart folks here. It's just that the smart folks are smart enough to stay out of local politics. They know that being in office is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer and asking permission to do it again. So, the people who do run for office are not the brightest bulbs in the marquee. A prime example of this phenomenon is Mayor Barney.

That is not to say, however, that Mayor Barney is actually as dumb as he looks. There has been some speculation that he avoids trouble, and prosecution, by hiding behind a veneer of stupidity. All I can say is that if he's acting, he should get a damn Oscar®.

The other day I ran into Mayor Barney down at "Mudslide Estates." This is what I like to call the small collection of residential lots that he's been trying to sell. They overlook a ravine created by the drainage tile from the farm across the street. Water runs off the farm, through Mayor Barney's property, and down to the creek. The ravine gets bigger by the year, hence the name.

During my recent visit, I happened to notice a large PVC pipe down in the bottom of that ravine, and Mayor Barney was in the process of covering it up with truckloads of dirt. It seems that he was filling in that ravine and moving the drainage problem to the next property owner down the line.

Knowing Mayor Barney, it is a sure bet that this will end in disaster. Years ago, I was foolish enough to try to talk sense into folks so they can avoid problems like this. I've since grown wiser and learned that it's best just to sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. I'll let you know how it goes.

Your reporter on the scene,
Stevie Joe Parker

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Stevie Joe and the Anti-Peaceniks

Sometimes I hear something so dumb that it stops me cold. Today, I was listening to the National Public Radio. Now, there are no NPR stations in the greater Junebug Holler metropolitan area. So, I have to listen on the internet. It's just as well because had I heard this on the car radio, I might have driven the Big Blue Wagon right off the road.

The story started innocently enough. It was about a small group of folks in Fairmont, Minnesota who belong to a Peace Club and how they who encouraged their city council to support a proposed federal Department of Peace.

As one club member put it, "I didn't think it was controversial. I thought everybody wanted peace." The city council agreed, voted to support the measure, and then all hell broke lose.

Local Vietnam vet Jerome Kortuem seemed to sum up the feeling of all those opposed. "I just couldn't believe it," Kortuem said. "These communists are trying to do it again."

Well, there you go. Peace equals communism. You can't argue with that logic. Anyway, you can read about the story and hear it as broadcast here. If you listen to the whole thing, what is surprising is the anger being expressed. It's hard to figure why peace would get folks so riled up, but it does.

I'm going to have to go ahead and play the "Jeebus" card here. I assume that most of these folks count themselves as good Christians, but maybe they have never heard him referred to as the "Prince of Peace." Maybe they never heard the expression "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." Well, I could go on and on (and I often do), but I assume you get the point.

Now, here's what I figure. These folks identify themselves as being Americans. They associate themselves with all that America stands for, and one of the things that America stands for is strength. Having a Department of Peace sends the message that America might be willing to talk and to understand in addition to being willing to fight. A lot of folks don't want to see themselves that way. People who talk their way through conflict are weak, right? Or as Mr. Korteum put it, if we create a Department of Peace, we will become "a bunch of wusses."

So, maybe all this opposition to peace is really the result of a lack of self-esteem. Some folks just feel better thinking of themselves as fighters. I wouldn't know about that myself as I do not have a self-esteem problem. It is one of the benefits of being a damn genius. I enjoy the prospect of talking my way through conflict as my intelligence almost always gives me the upper hand. However, I can see where Mr. Korteum wouldn't want to engage in a battle of wits.

Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Ponders New Orleans

Way, way back in the prehistoric era before there was a Mrs. Stevie Joe, New Orleans was a popular destination for Junior and me. We'd head down for a weekend, maybe more. Often short of cash, we found the cheapest places to eat and drink. That's a hard thing to do in such a tourist mecca, but we learned to follow the locals to find the best cheap grub.

On one particular trip, however, we decided to see how the other half ate. We saved up our nickels and went on over to Arnaud's, the classic creole eatery. Not sure of what to eat in such an establishment, we figure we ought to just go native and order up some crawdads. These particular crawdads were served inside of some sort of pastry shell and filled with all sorts of good stuff. Let me tell you, it was good.

When we got back to Junebug Holler, Junior would just not shut up about those crawdads at Arnaud's. He wanted more than anything to have them again, but, lacking the proper resources, it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. So, he figured he could make up a batch himself. He went on down to the creek and came back with a bucket full of crawdads. They're not too hard to catch with your hands once you learn the proper technique.

He brought them over to my house asked me how to peel them. I was a bit confused because it's not all that hard, even for Junior. I started to explain, but he interrupted to tell me that they were still alive. What he wanted to know was how to kill them.

When boiling crawdads, I figured that you just tossed them in the water and let the temperature do the dirty work. However, since Junior was going to bake them, he'd have to peel them first - hence the quandary. Not hearing a quick solution from me, he just said "never mind" and headed on home with his bucket of still squirming crawdads. I later learned that he bopped them all on the head with a hammer.

Junior went and bought one of those ready-made pie crusts from the Piggly Wiggly to bake the crawdads in. He figured that would be pretty darned close to what Arnaud's did. He wasn't sure about the other ingredients and spices. So, he just tossed in some tater tots (I kid you not) and Tabasco.

As you might imagine, Crawdads à la Junior was a complete failure. The pie crust that he bought was a graham cracker crust, and the flavors didn't quite mesh. I guess we should go back on down to Arnaud's someday and see of we can still get some of their crawdad pie. Junior would be pleased as can be.

Stevie Joe Parker

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Stevie Joe and the Gang Talk Katrina

This morning down at the Junebug Cafe and Inernet Lounge, the assembled citizenry attempted to mend the fences from Tuesday's political roundtable. We searched for some common ground - something we all agreed upon. It was tough, but then Juanita mentioned Hurricane Katrina.

See, folks around here have lots of friends and kin who were hit by the hurricane and are still suffering the aftermath today. This tends to get us riled up, and even Dickie Jensen has to hang his head with disgust when the topic is raised. So, I sat down at Prudy's computer and searched around for some Katrina-related sites and found this video on YouTube.

It was made by a 16-year-old activist from Alabama named Ava Lowery. Ava runs a website called that tackles a number of political issues. YouTube has lots of videos that she has produced, mostly about the Iraq war. Anyway, this video seemed to sum up how us folks down in Junebug Holler feel about Hurricane Katrina.

Respectfully yours,
Stevie Joe Parker

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Gitmo Detainee Confesses to Kennedy Assassination

by Stevie Joe Parker
Special Correspondent

JUNEBUG HOLLER - A detainee portrayed as an al-Qaida operative and a member of a terrorist family confessed to shooting President Kennedy in November 1963, according to a Pentagon transcript of a Guantanamo Bay hearing. The detainee, known as Abu Fayed according to Defense Department records, also admitted involvement in the killing of Paul McCartney, Princess Diana, Huey Long, Vince Foster, Archduke Francis Ferdinand, the surviving grey alien from the Roswell crash of 1954, and Tupac Shakur.

Investigators from the CIA also testified that classified intelligence suggests that, in addition to al-Qaida, Fayed holds membership in the Freemasons, the Trilateral Commission, and the American Civil Liberties Union. According to the official hearing transcript, when asked if any portion of his statement was coerced, Fayed replied, "xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx."

Stevie Joe, Jack Bauer, and Dave Barry

If you enjoy the television series 24 and the writing of Dave Barry, then you are going to love the 24 section of Dave's blog. Each week, Dave provides a recap of where the story is up to that point, and then he offers a live commentary as that week's episode airs. As you might imagine, it's pretty damn funny. I once again shot PBR out of my nose. Check it out (the blog, not my nose)!

We're running out of time!
Stevie Joe Parker

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Stevie Joe Participates in Political Roundtable

This morning at the Junebug Cafe and Internet Lounge, we had our first official political discussion group. As expected, it was an interesting affair. Dickie Jensen started it off by asking Prudy if any illegal aliens were involved in the production of his Denver omelet. Prudy nearly hit him with the coffeepot and then explained that she was the only damned person who made the eggs at the cafe and hell if she was illegal.

Hearing the word "aliens," Junior jumped in and said that there was an on-going government conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens on Earth and that a small group of folks were colluding with said aliens to plan for a large-scale invasion and colonization. Only two lowly FBI agents were fighting the dastardly plot and attempting to uncover the truth. I explained to Junior that he was describing The X-Files and that he had to start looking at some different websites.

Juanita wondered if Hillary Clinton could select her husband Bubba to be her running mate and then immediately resign if elected so Bubba could be president again. I told her I like the way she thinks and that this was a sure-fire plan to get folks to vote for Hillary.

I asked folks whether they thought that Bush should ask Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to resign. Dickie said only if he couldn't produce his green card. This, of course, prompted me to call him a "moron." However, the gang was against me. When I asked them to suggest a replacement for Gonzales should he resign, they all said Dickie.

According to the assembled citizenry, Dickie was ideal for several reasons. First, he's a Bushie through and through thus securing the president's trust. Second, he has completed two years at the junior college. Of course, any further schooling only serves to turn you into part of the liberal intellectual elite. This argument conveniently ignores the fact that Dick "Dick" Cheney completed all but the dissertation of his doctoral degree at the liberal stronghold of the University of Wisconsin at Madison. Third, Dickie is all in favor of torturing "whoever needs it." Fourth, he has no idea what "habeas corpus" means.

My argument that the Attorney General should actually be an attorney fell on deaf ears. Junior summed up everyone's feelings when he said, "That's all we need - more damn lawyers!"

And these folks get to vote,
Stevie Joe Parker

Monday, March 19, 2007

March Madness at Chez Stevie Joe

I'm dog-tired after this weekend. Half of the fine citizenry of Junebug Holler was over at the Parker estate to watch the NCAA basketball tourney. I'm starting to think that folks just like me for my widescreen TV and satellite dish.

We were once again treated to the sight of Dickie Jensen running around the yard nekkid. Of course, it seems only proper that Dickie gets so excited about college hoops since he is Junebug Holler's only bona fide basketball star. Way back when, Dickie actually got himself admitted to the local junior college on a basketball scholarship.

This never quite sat right with me. I mean, I'm all in favor of folks getting an education, even guys like Dickie to whom a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Still, it rubbed me wrong that he got an athletic scholarship rather than one based on need. Dickie was certainly more needy than athletic. He never once was a starter on the team, and they never won much anyway.

I figured the money was better spent elsewhere at the school. If Dickie spent more time studying than playing ball, maybe he wouldn't be as dense as he is today. Then again, if he practiced more, maybe he could have made a basket or two.

Anyhow, to this day, Dickie goes berserk come NCAA tournament time. Come to think of it, he goes berserk for lots of reasons, but the tourney is high on the list. What with him running around without clothes and everyone else spilling beer on the berber carpeting, I'm just lucky I didn't lose it myself.

When is this darn thing over anyway?
Stevie Joe Parker

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Fred Thompson Surprises the Heck Outta Stevie Joe

Dickie Jensen is taking this whole political discussion group seriously. He's been on that damn computer down at Prudy's day and night looking up juicy conservative tidbits. He feels compelled to share them with me despite knowing damn well that I think he's nuts.

Anywho, he just showed me this op-ed piece written by sometimes-actor, sometimes-politician Fred Thompson in the National Review. Freddy has figured that people in general, and Republicans in particular, like electing actors to stuff. So, he's been thinking about running for President. That's why I was surprised to read his piece, entitled "Gandhi's Way Isn't The American Way."

Attacking Gandhi doesn't sound like a good way to start your campaign, but maybe he figures that Republicans think Gandhi is kind of a wimp. However, it gets better. Here's what he says:

. . . when Saddam Hussein was being given a last chance to open Iraq to U.N. weapons inspectors, posters appeared around America asking “What would Gandhi do?”

And that’s a pretty good question. At what point is it okay to fight dictators like Saddam or the al Qaeda terrorists who want to take his place?

It turns out that the answer, according to Gandhi, is NEVER.
So, Ghandi believed in peace and pacifism. Gee, who else preached peace and pacifism? Who else refused to take arms against His enemies? Could it be, hmmmm, JESUS? Now, like I've said here before, me and JC are close, and it seems that He's on the same page as Gandhi here. In fact, a popular anti-war poster and bumpersticker has asked "Who Would Jesus Bomb?"

Talking trash about someone like Gandhi won't alienate many American voters. I mean, Dickie thought Freddie's piece was brilliant. However, what's he going to do when folks point out that he's putting down JC at the same time? I'm waiting to see America's reaction to this headline:
Fred Thompson Says "Jesus' Way Isn't the American Way"
Who do you trust - actor or prophet?
Stevie Joe Parker

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Stevie Joe Lays 'Em Down

Peeks of sun pop through now and then
To remind me of summers past
I sit and wonder exactly when
I'll get my Zebco to spin and cast

Junior's on another bender
Jimmy's turning up the Fender
Dickie's howling at the moon
They're all shoutin' a Neil Young tune

Even in my Vicodin haze
I feel the tug on my collar
Time to bust out of this daze
Spring is coming to Junebug Holler

Let me tell you son
I'm not the only one
My heels are dug in deep
We're gonna outlast this creep

We're rolling out the grill
Popping open some brews
Looking forward still
To word of the good news

Even in my Vicodin haze
I feel the tug on my collar
Time to bust out of this daze
Spring is coming to Junebug Holler

Like the Cubs say, "Wait till next year!"
The President is done after that
Pastor Luke grabs a beer
And says, "I'll drink to that!

The audacity of hope
Is what Obama thinks
Some water and some soap
For Junior 'cause he stinks

Even in my Vicodin haze
I feel the tug on my collar
Time to bust out of this daze
Spring is coming to Junebug Holler

Stevie Joe Parker

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Stevie Joe, the Zero Point Field, and Buddhists

After I finally wrote about showing the Face of God to Science, I received a comment from Valerie. She said, "The Zero Point Field sounds a lot like Buddhist philosophy to me. Buddhism is non-theistic - no God."

This is true and quite observant. The idea that we are all simply parts of the whole sure sounds Buddhist to me. However, while Buddhism might be non-theistic, it is spiritual. Buddhists might not use the word "God", but the concept is the same.

Faiths often differ quite a bit in language, dogma, and church hierarchy. These are the trappings of religion but not spirituality. Faiths share much spiritually. There is a saying about Catholics and Buddhists. The priests of each faith might disagree about many things, but the monks of each faith will embrace the other. Whatever label you put on the spiritual nature of the Zero Point Field, the concept should resonate across all faiths.

Did you hear the joke about the Dalai Lama:

Q: What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Junior didn't get it.

Just call me "Bubba Buddha,"
Stevie Joe Parker

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Stevie Joe Finds Dickie Not So Dumb

I ran into Dickie Jensen this morning down at the Junebug Cafe. He had already told the assembled group about how I sent him over to the Colbert Nation website as a joke. Unfortunately, Dickie didn't fall for it and was not amused. He claimed that it was just another example of the "liberal media elite." Fair enough.

Then, he launched into a tirade about how the liberals were unfairly treating Roger Ailes, CEO of Fox News. Apparently, Ailes made a joke about Barack Obama at some media dinner where he received an award (I assume the liberal media elite were not involved). Here's what he said:

"It is true that Barack Obama is on the move. I don't know if it's true that President Bush called [Pakistani President Pervez] Musharraf and said: 'Why can't we catch this guy?' "

According to Dickie, some folks on the internet are claiming that Ailes called Obama a terrorist. It didn't sound that way to me. It sure sounded like a joke, and a joke on President Shrub at that! So, as much as it pains me, I have to side with Dickie on this one. Fair is fair.

Then Dickie really sprung one on me. He started ranting about all of the liberal celebrities and how the conservative celebrities don't get any press. As an example, he cited Patricia Heaton, who is a member and major supporter of Feminists for Life. Apparently, these are women who consider themselves to be feminists but also oppose abortion.

I went to Patricia Heaton's website and found that it was under construction with just the photos shown here:

However, I then went to look at the web archives to find what was on her old site and found this photo:

All I can say is that I support conservative feminists. They appear to be much hotter than Gloria Steinem and are willing to pose in swimming suits on their own websites. I think more feminists should try to use their bodies for financial gain.

You go girl!
Stevie Joe Parker

Monday, March 12, 2007

Stevie Joe Helps Dickie with the Interwebs

Prudy has set up the computer down at the Junebug Cafe and Internet Lounge, and Dickie Jensen has just been itching to use it. He really liked it when I helped him discover Conservapedia, and he's asked me to find more good right-wing stuff on the web. So, I sent him on over to Colbert Nation. I can't wait to see what he says about it tomorrow.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Stevie Joe Shows Science the Face of God

OK, let's review our discussion on quantum physics so far. Matter is an illusion, and all that exists is just a complex manifestation of an energy field known as the Zero Point Field. Everything that happens down to the sub-atomic level creates a ripple in the Field that is instantaneously transmitted throughout the universe. All of these ripples are permanently stored in the Zero Point Field making it an historical record of everything that has ever happened in the universe.

So, what does that mean to us and our understanding of spirituality? Well, from what science has proven about the Zero Point Field, we can make some hypotheses. First, when we look at how the human body operates, we realize that there are some two billion processes which must take place every second. Since our nervous system is incapable of handling that much information, some have suggested that it is through the Zero Point Field that these processes are coordinated.

Second, science still does not know how an embryonic stem cell determines what type of cell (and in what part of the body) it should become. How do the cells communicate with one another in order to form a complete, functioning body? Again, some have suggested that this communication occurs through the Zero Point Field and that it might actually be the Field that provides the blueprint for orderly growth.

Third, while the science of neurology has determined which parts of the brain handle certain functions, it has not found where consciousness takes place. Various parts of the brain can be severely damaged without impairing consciousness. Once again, some have suggested that consciousness actually resides not in the tissues of the brain, but in the Zero Point Field. This is a subtle point since the tissues of the brain actually are a manifestation of the Field, but it is an important distinction.

So, this all raises the question of how our understanding of the Zero Point Field affects our view of spirituality. If a) we are all part of the Field and therefore part of one another, b) our consciousness exists within the Field rather than the body, c) the Field contains a permanent record of all that has ever happened, and d) the Field possibly provides the actual blueprint for life, then couldn't the Zero Point Field actually be God or what we understand as God? If not God, then perhaps it is the tool with which God rules the universe?

Whatever the case may be, it certainly raises some interesting questions. Science appears to reveal some wondrous things, and some of those things might be pointing towards a better understanding of God. Similarly, perhaps what we know of our spirituality can shed light on science. The two worlds are not that far apart.

Say Amen!
Stevie Joe Parker

Friday, March 9, 2007

Stevie Joe and Junior Discuss Daylight Savings Time

This morning at the Junebug Cafe and Internet Lounge, folks were discussing the upcoming changing of the clocks for Daylight Savings Time. As you probably know, this is occurring three weeks earlier than usual.

Junior said that he was glad because that means it would finally warm up around here. Pastor Luke asked him how that could be. Junior said that it was on account of the extra hour of daylight we'd get each day.

I cannot make this stuff up,
Stevie Joe Parker

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Stevie Joe Forsees Trouble for Junebug Holler

At this morning's meeting of the minds down at the Junebug Cafe, it was decided that we would start having regular political discussions. Now, I don't know if this has been inspired in any way by Stevie Joe Parker's Guide to Life, but I am not taking the blame for it.

The townsfolk have recognized a need to gain a better understanding of today's political landscape and, to that end, have vowed to start cruising the internet. Most folks here don't have any internet connection and damn if they all think they are coming over to the Parker estate to use mine! Thankfully, Prudy has decided to get the Cafe wired up, and she's even going to buy a computer for customer use. She's all set to rename the place the Junebug Cafe and Internet Lounge.

Letting these folks loose on the internet and engaging in political debate is like having Rhesus Monkeys command the next space shuttle mission. There is going to be trouble for sure, but it will probably mean good business for Prudy. So, good on her!

Lord help us now,
Stevie Joe Parker

Defense Department Steals Stevie Joe's Ray Gun Idea

A while back, I wrote about my ray gun idea. Based on quantum mechanics and our latest understanding of the Zero Point Field, I postulated that it would be possible to build a ray gun that shot energy waves at just the right frequency to make you drunk or stoned without the use of any chemical substances.

However, instead of using my plan for good (i.e. getting drunk and stoned), the Department of Defense has taken the plan and is using it to make people puke. That's right, they are developing a new ray gun that uses an energy beam tuned just right to make you vomit. Or as they call it, "a Star Trek hand-held Phaser Weapon set on 'Stun'."

Now, Stevie Joe not only knows his quantum mechanics, he knows his computers. I can see where visitors to Stevie Joe Parker's Guide to Life are logging in from, and it just so happens that there have been a number of visitors from the Los Alamos National Labs. All I can say is, "Shame on you!"

My work was supposed to be for the benefit of mankind, and getting folks to puke, as entertaining as that might be, wasn't part of the plan.

Stevie Joe Parker

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Stevie Joe Solves Medical Malpractice Woes

One of my regular readers, apparently bored by my recent posts, has requested that I solve another of the world's problems much as I did when I offered my plan for peace in the Middle East, my plan to reform the tax code, and my plan to end the gay marriage debate. I know that I make solving these problems look easy, but it ain't. Even for Stevie Joe.

I've decided to tackle the issue of rising medical malpractice costs. As near as I can figure, there are three parties involved in about any malpractice suit. First, there is the insurance company. These are the guys making record profits while raising malpractice premiums without any corresponding increase in malpractice claims. Second, there is the doctor. This is the guy with the $120,000 Mercedes and trophy wife. He was too busy thinking about his golf game to realize that he was cutting the wrong leg off of some poor slob. Third, we have the poor slob. He's the guy who is going to be missing two legs instead of one.

So, who is to blame for the problem? Well, according to the politicians, it's the poor slob. Of course, he can't pony up the same level of campaign contributions as the other two.

The other night at Smitty's tap, the solution to this problem became apparent. Dickie Jensen and Junior had just returned from taking a leak in the alley (if you had ever used the bathroom at Smitty's, you would understand). The two of them had found a Playboy magazine back there and were now arguing over who was going to take it home. Like a parent trying to get two little kids to stop fighting, I had to come up with a solution.

Since one could argue that they each owned one-half of the Playboy, it made sense for one to buy out the other's interest. I suggested that they come up with a price, and I would flip a coin. The winner of the coin flip would get the Playboy and pay the other for his share. Since the flip could go either way, they had to agree on a price that would be fair no matter who got the magazine and who got the dough.

So, if we apply this model to malpractice suits, we can avoid court altogether if the insurance company offers the poor slob a fair sum of money. The amount will be determined to be fair when one of the insurance company execs agrees to the same deal. So, if they offer the poor slob a million bucks for losing a leg, one of the execs has to be willing to have a leg cut off for the million bucks. Fair, right? What price would you accept to have your leg cut off?

Now, we wouldn't necessarily have to actually cut off the legs of all of the insurance execs, but if someone wanted to pay the money out of their own pocket, they'd have to do it. That would make sure the settlement offers were fair, and it might even cause them to stop insuring the bad doctors. Best of all, we could keep the whole thing out of the courts. Sounds win-win to me.

You're welcome,
Stevie Joe Parker

Monday, March 5, 2007

Stevie Joe Laughs and Cries

It's been a long time since I laughed hard enough for PBR to shoot out of my nose, but that's just what happened last night. Dickie Jensen stopped by wanting to use my computer to surf the internet. Everyone in Junebug Holler knows that Dickie is a right-winger - a good, old conservative. That's fine by me and most folks here. We all get along despite any political differences. Besides, if Dickie ticks me off enough, I'll just push him down in the snow again.

Dickie was upset about something or other in the "liberal media" and wanted to get online to "get to the truth." So, I helped him search around for conservative websites, and it wasn't long before we found Conservapedia. This is an online encyclopedia for conservatives because, apparently, Wikipedia is a part of the vast liberal conspiracy that includes the media, the arts, science, education, the Dewey Decimal System, and reading. The folks at Conservapedia claim that Wikipedia " is increasingly anti-Christian and anti-American." Isn't it interesting that these folks equate being liberal with being anti-Christian and anti-American?

Dickie was intrigued, and so was I. So, we took a look around. That's when I shot the PBR through my nose. We found the entry for gravity and saw that the Conservapedia folks are not entirely sure that it exists. They state, "The considerable disagreement between scientists about the theory of gravity suggests that, like evolution, the theory will eventually be replaced with a model which acknowledges God as the source of all things, the Prime Mover, and the only real fundamental force in the universe." This sounds suspiciously like this story from The Onion.

Under the entry for Fox News (which oddly doesn't capitalize the "N" in "News"), we learn that "the success of Fox news over every other news channel is because it is fair and balanced," and that "the White House selected Tony Snow from Fox News to be the new White House press secretary which was a great honor for Fox because it showed how well it was presenting the real truth instead of the fake liberal version."

The entry for Iraq is 13 words long: "A Middle-Eastern country, invaded in 2003 and currently occupied by a U.S.-led coalition." It has no sources or links. By contrast, the Wikipedia entry for Iraq is nearly 5,000 words long and includes 14 reference sources, 7 suggested reading items, and 28 external links. So, if Dickie wanted to write a paper about Iraq, which source do you think he'd want to use?

I thought about this a while, and it became a bit less funny to me. There are a number of folks who are going to find this site and think what they read there is the truth. Of course, we all know that the truth is primarily found right here at Stevie Joe Parker's Guide to Life. Let's try to set them straight.

Meanwhile, Dickie went home to pray to God that he doesn't float off of the planet.

Say "Amen!"
Stevie Joe Parker

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Stevie Joe Catches Shrub Doing It Again

President Numbnuts went down to visit the folks affected by the tornados in Georgia and Alabama. While there, he encouraged people to help out by donating to organizations like the Red Cross. What? Can't he do anything to help?

How about this? Let's take all the dough that we are spending in Iraq and use it to help folks here. We can provide quality medical care for our returning vets. Give 'em a good benefits package and pension, too. Then, we can help the folks hit by those twisters. Of course, we need to rebuild New Orleans and the rest of the gulf coast.

So, what about the war in Iraq, you ask? Shrubby can go on the TV and ask folks to donate money for that. Maybe they can have some fundraisers. Sounds good to me.

Takin' care of our own,
Stevie Joe Parker

Friday, March 2, 2007

Stevie Joe Talks About the Gulf Coast

President Numbnuts went down to visit some of the folks affected by Hurricane Katrina. Now, the fine citizens of Junebug Holler have lots of friends and family who were hit hard. So, this is personal to us, and the lack of progress has made some of us pretty darned mad. Shrub said that he helped to get Congress to appropriate $110 billion in relief funds. The rest is up to the state and local governments.

Congress appropriates the dough. State and local folks spend it. What the heck does the President do then? I'll tell you what he should do. He should lead. The President is not only the "Decider," but he needs to be a leader. If the White House felt that rebuilding the Gulf Coast was a priority, it would get done. Instead, he has left it for others to fix. It is quite clear that he feels that it is unimportant.

This is a national disgrace. The United States is the richest country in the world, and it has let down its own citizens. There should be as much outrage coast-to-coast as there is here in Junebug Holler. We all know that you need to take care of your own.

Mad as hell and not going to take it anymore,
Stevie Joe Parker

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Stevie Joe's Health Crisis Passes

I apologize for not posting in several days. I have been sick. I mean really sick. At first, I thought it was just a hangover. Junior came over to the house Monday night wanting to drink. Who was I to refuse? It would have been downright impolite. We made Rusty Nails and Stingers. These are fun drinks. Scotch, Drambuie, Brandy, and white Creme de Menthe. No need for any sodi-pop or juice to water 'em down.

I woke up Tuesday morning feeling just awful. I had a headache, my stomach was churning, and my whole body was sore. Of course, it was reasonable to assume that it was all the booze that caused my condition. Yet, I didn't get any better as the day wore on. I received no sympathy from Mrs. Stevie Joe. She just looked at me with a skeptical eye and said, "Fine, sit on your lazy ass all day then."

Mrs. Stevie Joe believes that any illness I claim to have is just a ruse to get out of doing chores. If I claim to be in pain, she rolls her eyes and says, "Try delivering a baby sometime!" Talk about a ruse! I wouldn't put it past women to conspire to exaggerate the pain of childbirth just so they can lord it over us!

Junior stopped by and brought me some Pepto-Bismol. He hung out at the house for three days while I hid under blankets on the davenport. Someone more cynical than me would suggest that Junior just came to watch pay-per-view movies on the big screen, but not me. I make fun of Junior all the time, but I tell you what - he's loyal. He's my friend and a damn good one.

Feelin' better,
Stevie Joe Parker