Thursday, March 6, 2008

Stevie Joe and the Ambulance

It had to happen sooner or later. Frankly, I'm surprised that it took this long. Last night, an ambulance came roaring up to Junior's house next door. Knowing Junior as I do, I was expecting the worst. When I ran out to see what was going on, however, there was Junior jumping around the yard and screaming his head off. It appeared that the problem was not Junior (at least not the major problem) but Dickie Jensen.

Earlier in the day, Dickie was seen running nekkid through town yelling, "Fuck! . . . Shit! . . . Fuck!" and so on. For Dickie, this in itself was not unusual behavior. Unfortunately for Junior, however, Dickie was heading his way. Apparently, Dickie ran right into Junior's house and jumped butt-nekkid onto Junior's bed.

Now, if Junior had been drunk, this would have been no problem. He just would have passed out on the floor, in the yard, or on my davenport. However, this was one of the rare occasions when Junior was stone sober, and the sight of a nekkid Dickie Jensen in his bed was more than he could take.

Dickie had slipped into some sort of catatonic state and failed to respond to any of Junior's yelling. Junior, at about 120 pounds and with the muscle tone of Jello, would have been unable to remove Dickie even if he wasn't afraid to touch a nekkid man. Not knowing what else to do, he called 911.

So, what was the cause of Dickie's behavior? My guess is the presidential election. Dickie had been in quite the foul mood lately. This began as it became apparent that Ron Paul was not going to win the Republican nomination. It worsened as the conventional conservatives dropped out of the race. When Ralph Nader announced his candidacy, Dickie went on a three-day bender during which he set himself a new personal record for obscenity. Finally, when Mike Huckabee dropped out after Tuesday's primaries, Dickie could take no more. With the well-known liberal John McCain left to defend the Republicans against Hillary and Obama, Dickie had nothing left to hope for.

Why he chose Junior's bed to be the spot where he lost the will to live, I don't know. I'm just glad it wasn't my davenport. No amount of cleaning could ever make that safe to sit on again.

Wonderin' how much the ambulance charges for moving a nekkid man,
Stevie Joe Parker

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