Saturday, December 8, 2007

Where the Heck is Stevie Joe?

Everyone has been writing asking where the heck I've been since Thanksgiving. Busy, that's where. And it all started on Turkey Day.

As with most Thanksgivings, the local residents of Junebug Holler dined with their respective families and/or in the church basement then traveled over to my house to watch the TV. Since I own the town's only High Definition Widescreen Television complete with satellite dish and Surround Sound system, I get quite a crowd for major televised events like NFL Football, tournament bass fishing, or swamp buggy races.

It so happened that Mayor Barney and Anne-Marie Bohansen were both guests on that fateful day. If you are a regular reader of the Stevie Joe Parker's Guide to Life, then you know Mayor Barney. However, I don't believe I have written about poor Anne-Marie. Anne-Marie moved to Junebug Holler about twenty years ago. As a result, she is viewed amongst the natural born population as a newcomer and outsider. Just recently, she purchased a lot from Mayor Barney and built a house upon it.

I know what you are thinking. You think she bought a lot in Mayor Barney's Mudslide Estates, but she did not. Instead, she bought a lot smack in the middle of town. See, Junebug Holler is kind of crescent shaped. There is a big section right near the downtown that has never been built upon. This section is right in the crook of the crescent where Anne-Marie built her home. Folks who grew up here know this area as the former location of the Junebug Cement Mines which closed up over a hundred years ago. Every kid around explored these mine caves until the state said they were unsafe and filled in the entrances about forty years back.

The thing is, these mines are very shallow. Most passages are within 20 feet of the surface. Now you know why nobody has built on them before and why Mayor Barney got the land so cheap.

So, you must be thinking, what does this have to do with why we haven't heard anything from Stevie Joe in three weeks? Well, just before Thanksgiving, Anne-Marie's brand-new house decided to develop itself a new basement. A big sinkhole opened up and cracked her foundation. Having heard from a few other residents about the mine and Mayor Barney's knowledge of it, she had become a bit irate it would seem.

So, when she spied old Mayor Barney in my parlor, she ran up and gave him a big old shove. Just then, Dickie Jensen was speeding down the hallway riding upon my wheeled ottoman. Mayor Barney fell onto Dickie and said ottoman thus altering their course. The two men and ottoman then plowed into the back of Junior as he was standing in the foyer sipping a beer and eyeing Juanita through the pass-through to the kitchen.

The result was two broken legs and a dislocated shoulder for Junior. Since, the fool has nobody to care for him, he has been parked in my barcalounger ever since. He is effectively immobile, meaning that I have to be his damn nurse. This is a full-time job since Junior will indeed find his way to his bottle of Vicodin and/or my liquor cabinet given the opportunity. I have to be on my toes to prevent an overdose of one sort or another.

On Monday, the doc might put him in some less restrictive casts. If so, he'll be able to get around, sort of, on crutches, and I can get him out of here. Hopefully, I can post more then.

Get me a 100 cc's of Jack Daniels, stat!
Stevie Joe Parker

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