I learned today that the events that led to Junior crashing Jimmy's motorcycle at Mayor Barney's Mudslide Estates began Saturday evening at the Maple Leaf. The Maple Leaf is a local tavern that is decorated with all sorts of hockey memorabilia and Canadian flags. Everyone in town assumed that Scooter Thompson, owner of the Maple Leaf, was either from Canada and/or a rabid hockey fan. However, I asked Scooter about that once, and he denied it. He claims that the bar was decorated that way when he bought it. However, I know for a fact that the previous owner was a mean old cajun from Lake Charles, Louisiana. So, it all remains a mystery.
Anyway, Junior was drinking at the Maple Leaf on Saturday night, and he already had a few beers in him. He spotted Juanita over by the jukebox and went over to talk to her. In the version of the story that I heard, Junior said to Juanita, "Do you have a keg in your pants because I'd like to tap that ass." Junior claims no recollection of such a remark.
Well, whatever he said, it ticked off Jimmy who just happened to be standing behind Junior when he said it. As you might recall, Juanita is the love of Jimmy's life. Jimmy is a simple man. He doesn't say much, and he doesn't ask for much. Most things are just fine with Jimmy, but don't go messing with Juanita.
As you can imagine, this created a little situation which Jimmy decided to address by punching Junior in the ear. Now, Junior is no fighter. So, he figured that his best line of defense would be to scream like a little girl and fake a traumatic injury. Jimmy, disgusted at Junior's complete lack of pride, momentarily hesitated. It was long enough for Junior to make a break for the door. Once outside, he kept running and screaming all the way across town.
You would think that would be the end of it, but Junior had other plans. As usual, these plans would wind up biting him in the ass. Junior was so mad at Jimmy for punching him in the ear that he decided to make off with the other love of Jimmy's life, his motorcycle. Of course, Junior doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle, but why would that stop him? You know the rest.
Don't mess around with Jim,
Stevie Joe Parker
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Stevie Joe and Junior Junior
Junior has a dog. His name is Junior Junior because he's just like Junior - he lies around all day, mooches food from everyone, and has peed on nearly every lawn in town. I wouldn't say that Junior "owns" the dog since he just showed up one day. I'm not even sure that Junior takes care of the dog. For all I know, the dog takes care of Junior.
Anyway, I awoke this morning to the sound of Junior Junior scratching at my door. I figured he was hungry and looking for some chow, but when I opened the door, he began to run down the walk. When he reached the street, he stopped and turned to look back at me. The damn dog wanted me to follow him. He probably learned such bossy behavior while teaching Junior how to fetch him food.
Anyway, I decided to put on my boots and go along. At least I would get a little walk out of it. As we approached the main drag, I saw Dickie Jensen carrying an American flag and marching right down the middle of the street. I asked him, "What the hell are you doing, Dickie?"
He replied, "Somebody has got to stand up for this country, goddammit!" Good old Dickie, the nutjob.
Junior Junior passed right through the downtown and led me out to Mayor Barney's Mudslide Estates. It was there that I saw Jimmy's motorcycle on its side in the mud. About ten feet away was Junior, also on his side in the mud. I ran up to him and shook his shoulders to see if the damn fool was still alive. He opened his eyes, looked at me, and furrowed his brow. With a strange look on his face, he said, "You don't look to good, Juanita." With that, his eyes closed, and his head plopped back into the mud. The idiot was drunk.
Now, Junior doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle (as evidenced by the results of this latest attempt), and Jimmy doesn't let anyone borrow his bike. Something must have happened last night to get Junior worked up enough to do this. While I pondered that, I walked on back to the house to pick up the Big Blue Wagon so I could haul Junior's sorry ass home. Junior Junior walked alongside looking quite content. Smart dog. Maybe smarter than Junior.
Woof,
Stevie Joe Parker
Anyway, I awoke this morning to the sound of Junior Junior scratching at my door. I figured he was hungry and looking for some chow, but when I opened the door, he began to run down the walk. When he reached the street, he stopped and turned to look back at me. The damn dog wanted me to follow him. He probably learned such bossy behavior while teaching Junior how to fetch him food.
Anyway, I decided to put on my boots and go along. At least I would get a little walk out of it. As we approached the main drag, I saw Dickie Jensen carrying an American flag and marching right down the middle of the street. I asked him, "What the hell are you doing, Dickie?"
He replied, "Somebody has got to stand up for this country, goddammit!" Good old Dickie, the nutjob.
Junior Junior passed right through the downtown and led me out to Mayor Barney's Mudslide Estates. It was there that I saw Jimmy's motorcycle on its side in the mud. About ten feet away was Junior, also on his side in the mud. I ran up to him and shook his shoulders to see if the damn fool was still alive. He opened his eyes, looked at me, and furrowed his brow. With a strange look on his face, he said, "You don't look to good, Juanita." With that, his eyes closed, and his head plopped back into the mud. The idiot was drunk.
Now, Junior doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle (as evidenced by the results of this latest attempt), and Jimmy doesn't let anyone borrow his bike. Something must have happened last night to get Junior worked up enough to do this. While I pondered that, I walked on back to the house to pick up the Big Blue Wagon so I could haul Junior's sorry ass home. Junior Junior walked alongside looking quite content. Smart dog. Maybe smarter than Junior.
Woof,
Stevie Joe Parker
Friday, May 18, 2007
Stevie Joe and Reverend Pat
I was just pondering my recent post about Jerry Falwell and wondered why we have to wait until someone dies to review their legacy. With that in mind, here are some of Pat Robertson's finest quotes:
"Homo." - Robertson describing a caller he didn't like.
"Big fat nancy nancy-boy faggot." - Robertson describing a caller he didn't like.
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
"If I could just get a nuclear device inside Foggy Bottom, I think that's the answer." - a reference to the US State Department
"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."
"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."
"Presbyterians are the spirit of the Antichrist."
"The Islamic people, the Arabs, were the ones who captured Africans, put them in slavery, and sent them to America as slaves. Why would the people in America want to embrace the religion of slavers."
“You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if [President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela] thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. And I don’t think any oil shipments will stop. [...] We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.”
"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense, I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist."
"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because He might not be there." - after Dover residents voted out of office seven school board officials who favored teaching intelligent design
He almost makes Jerry Falwell sound rational.
Praise The Lord!
Stevie Joe Parker
"Homo." - Robertson describing a caller he didn't like.
"Big fat nancy nancy-boy faggot." - Robertson describing a caller he didn't like.
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
"If I could just get a nuclear device inside Foggy Bottom, I think that's the answer." - a reference to the US State Department
"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."
"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."
"Presbyterians are the spirit of the Antichrist."
"The Islamic people, the Arabs, were the ones who captured Africans, put them in slavery, and sent them to America as slaves. Why would the people in America want to embrace the religion of slavers."
“You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if [President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela] thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. And I don’t think any oil shipments will stop. [...] We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.”
"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense, I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist."
"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because He might not be there." - after Dover residents voted out of office seven school board officials who favored teaching intelligent design
He almost makes Jerry Falwell sound rational.
Praise The Lord!
Stevie Joe Parker
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Stevie Joe, Dickie Jensen, and Immigration Reform
This afternoon at the Junebug Cafe and Internet Lounge, Dickie Jensen came running in yelling, "Goddamn amnesty! Goddamn amnesty! Son of a bitch!" Dickie often reminds me of the famous John Stuart Mill quote:
What kind of idiot thinks that anyone is actually going to do that? I guess it's the kind of idiot that gets elected to Congress. It sure seems like these folks have absolutely no idea what the life of an undocumented worker is like.
Of course, Dickie has no idea either, but that doesn't stop him from jumping up and down screaming like a lunatic. We really need to get him on some tranquilizers.
Who Would JC Deport?
Stevie Joe Parker
Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people . . . it is true that most stupid people are conservative.Apparently, Dickie had just heard about the proposed compromise on immigration reform. I had as well, and I can tell you that it ain't going anywhere. Under the proposed bill, undocumented workers can apply for permanent resident status if they pay a $5,000 fine, pay several thousand more in application fees, and then return to their home countries to await permission to re-enter.
What kind of idiot thinks that anyone is actually going to do that? I guess it's the kind of idiot that gets elected to Congress. It sure seems like these folks have absolutely no idea what the life of an undocumented worker is like.
Of course, Dickie has no idea either, but that doesn't stop him from jumping up and down screaming like a lunatic. We really need to get him on some tranquilizers.
Who Would JC Deport?
Stevie Joe Parker
Stevie Joe Learns About Internal Decapitation
Ever since Prudy bought a computer and began to offer internet access at the Junebug Cafe, Jimmy has become a regular. Now, Jimmy used to stop by now and then, but he is now there every day. Several hours a day. Juanita is not happy. Still, it's entertaining for me since Jimmy finds really weird stuff on the web and forwards it to me.
For example, yesterday Jimmy found this tidbit about a woman who almost got her head cut off. Good stuff.
Don't go losing your head,
Stevie Joe Parker
For example, yesterday Jimmy found this tidbit about a woman who almost got her head cut off. Good stuff.
Don't go losing your head,
Stevie Joe Parker
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Stevie Joe Reviews Jerry Falwell's Greatest Hits
The passing of Jerry Falwell has been met with much sorrow amongst some of the less gifted members of the Junebug Holler community. I, on the other hand, never cared for the weasel. So, in tribute, here are some of Rev. Jackass' finest quotes:
"If Chief Justice Warren and his associates had known God's word and had desired to do the Lord's will, I am quite confident that the 1954 decision would never have been made…. The facilities should be separate. When God has drawn a line of distinction, we should not attempt to cross that line." - speaking about Brown v. Board of Education in 1958
"The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America—I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'." - speaking about September 11, 2001
"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them."
"You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops and I am for the President—chase them all over the world, if it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord."
"Jimmy Carter's message of peace and reconciliation under almost all circumstances is simply incompatible with Christian teachings as I interpret them. This 'turn the other cheek' business is all well and good but it's not what Jesus fought and died for. What we need to do is take the battle to the Muslim heathens and do unto them before they do unto us." - never mind the fact that Jesus is the dude who said to turn the other cheek
"I do question the sincerity and non-violent intentions of some civil rights leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Mr. James Farmer, and others, who are known to have left-wing associations."
"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."
"The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews."
"Textbooks are Soviet propaganda."
"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."
"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being."
Rest in Peace, Brother Falwell,
Stevie Joe Parker
"If Chief Justice Warren and his associates had known God's word and had desired to do the Lord's will, I am quite confident that the 1954 decision would never have been made…. The facilities should be separate. When God has drawn a line of distinction, we should not attempt to cross that line." - speaking about Brown v. Board of Education in 1958
"The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America—I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'." - speaking about September 11, 2001
"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them."
"You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops and I am for the President—chase them all over the world, if it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord."
"Jimmy Carter's message of peace and reconciliation under almost all circumstances is simply incompatible with Christian teachings as I interpret them. This 'turn the other cheek' business is all well and good but it's not what Jesus fought and died for. What we need to do is take the battle to the Muslim heathens and do unto them before they do unto us." - never mind the fact that Jesus is the dude who said to turn the other cheek
"I do question the sincerity and non-violent intentions of some civil rights leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Mr. James Farmer, and others, who are known to have left-wing associations."
"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."
"The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews."
"Textbooks are Soviet propaganda."
"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."
"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being."
Rest in Peace, Brother Falwell,
Stevie Joe Parker
Monday, May 14, 2007
Stevie Joe Tries to Explain Second Life to the Junebug Gang
This morning down at the Junebug Cafe and Internet Lounge, Juanita asked me about Second Life. Apparently, someone has been reading the blog. Juanita wanted to me to explain it to her because, according to her, my explanation here on the Stevie Joe Parker's Guide to Life didn't make any sense.
Before I could begin, Dickie Jensen interrupted and wanted to know if there were any illegal immigrants in Second Life and, if so, could we kick them out. I wasn't sure how to answer that one, and I don't know there is any way to explain anything about Second Life to Dickie without him getting more confused.
However, in the interest in expanding our knowledge of the world in general and that of Second Life in particular, I found these interesting statistics about the residents there:
Stevie Joe Parker
Before I could begin, Dickie Jensen interrupted and wanted to know if there were any illegal immigrants in Second Life and, if so, could we kick them out. I wasn't sure how to answer that one, and I don't know there is any way to explain anything about Second Life to Dickie without him getting more confused.
However, in the interest in expanding our knowledge of the world in general and that of Second Life in particular, I found these interesting statistics about the residents there:
- 29.49% of residents live in the US of A
- 10.37% are German
- 7.76% are French
- 6.25% are from the UK
- 5.86% are from Brazil
- 4.97% are from Italy
- Skipping down the list a bit, 1.31% are Chinese
- The average age is 30
- 12.06% are over the age of 45
- 56.97% are men
- One year ago, 51.17% were women
- There are 6.24 million current residents
Stevie Joe Parker
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