Stevie Joe Goes Clubbing in Second Life

As you might recall, I have been exploring the virtual world of Second Life in the name of science. There are over 6.8 million residents now, and the growth has been rapid. When you first start navigating around Second Life, you will notice that there are a lot of night clubs. I know what you're thinking, "How do you drink booze at a virtual night club?" Well, if you are dead set on drinking, you can provide your own favorite beverage while sitting in front of the computer. One night, while alternating stingers and tequila shots, I would up taking off my pants and jumping on stage with a bunch of showgirls (in Second Life, of course). So, behaving like a drunken idiot is still on the table.

Anyway, the attraction at the night clubs is not the alcohol but the music. You can find clubs playing just about any kind of music you can imagine. Some will simply stream music from an existing internet radio station. Others will feature in-house DJs that will spin the tunes and take requests. Still more offer live music.

How the heck do they offer live music? Well, just like on regular radio, they set up some microphones and let the musicians have at it. Sometimes, they are a band playing at a real club somewhere in the world, and the audio gets streamed to Second Life. Other times, it's a dude with a guitar sitting in his kitchen. In either case, you actually see the performers in the virtual club. They appear as avatars, like everyone else in Second Life, and they play instruments and dance just like in the real world (I know it's hard to visualize - but it's pretty neat when you see it).

The Velvet is found inside an old, abandoned theater building. It features a stage, organ, and mechanical bull. The crowd is very literate and frighteningly Canadian. There's a live DJ pretty much every night.

One club I visited was The Velvet. This club offers indie rock and a pretty interesting collection of regulars (one of which appears only as a spider). Sometimes, it's the folks you "meet" that provide the entertainment. While listening to the music, folks engage in "chat" to talk about nearly anything. On one recent evening, The Velvet featured a haiku contest. On another, there was an impromptu iambic pentameter throw-down. You just don't find stuff like that in Junebug Holler. As an added bonus, nobody barfs on your feet.

This all reminds me that I might need to get a new class of friends.

Stray Cat's is a hard rock club with a very international clientele. It's not unusual to find a large crowd with folks from the US, Europe, and South America. Second Life offers real-time translation tools to help with language problems.

Umbra Penumbra provides another example of the design work that is evident nearly everywhere in Second Life. By the way, the furniture is all functional which is kinda weird. After a while, though, it all starts to seem normal.

See you on the other side!
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Gets All Up With People

Sunday morning, while listening to Pastor Luke droning on and on about something or other, I was thinking about my commitment to being more positive and how that relates to church. It seems to me that some churches are primarily negative - focusing on sin, penance, eternal damnation, and whatnot. Others seem to be concerned with the positive - helping one another, seeing the divine in our world, blah, blah, blah.

Whether a church emphasizes the negative or positive seems to depend more on the preacher than the religion. It seems that you can take most religions either way, but it's the preacher that sets the tone in a church. Maybe that's why I liked Farmer Len's Quaker meeting. They have no clergy. You make of it what you will, and, overall, they seemed like pretty upbeat folks.

Like I've said before, me and JC are pretty close. I consider Him to be an optimist. He seems to see the good in everyone, even Junior (which is pretty darned hard to do). I'll try to keep myself on the JC track and see the good in folks. Now, that's going to be a tall bill when it comes to President Numbnuts, but I'll do my best.

I'll bet he's good at tapping a keg,
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Celebrates Memorial Day

We had quite the Memorial Day Weekend here in Junebug Holler despite the absence of Junior. Ever since Junior stole and wrecked Jimmy's motorcycle, he's been hiding in his "undisclosed location." Good thing, too, because Jimmy is still sore about that and will likely beat Junior good when he finds him.

Anyway, there was much excitement, and most of it came when Dickie Jensen set Jimmy on fire. As you might expect, Dickie was drunk, but he was not yet nekkid. In honor of our veterans, Dickie was wearing a camouflage Speedo with a 101st Airborne patch right over his package. He thought that it might be fun to spray lighter fluid from his mouth and set it aflame with his Bic. Where could such a plan go wrong?

Well, Jimmy was the long-haired biker type, but not anymore. He made the grave mistake of getting too close to Dickie (a risk under any circumstance), and Dickie went ahead and set his hair on fire. Fortunately, the gathered crowd was armed with large quantities of beer and was able to quickly douse the flames. In the confusion, Dickie escaped and has presumably joined Junior in his undisclosed location.

Jimmy, as you might expect, was hopping mad. It has not been a good week for him, but this is part of life here in Junebug Holler. You have to expect these occasional setbacks. Besides, what's the alternative? Boredom, that's what. Give me drunken excitement any day (easy to say for a guy with all his hair).

Pardon me, got a light?
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Smells the Flowers

Mrs. Stevie Joe has been telling me to relax. See, she's been reading the Stevie Joe Parker's Guide to Life and feels that I am being too negative. This is primarily because I've been writing nasty things about Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Monica Goodling (as if that's a bad thing). Anyway, Mrs. Stevie Joe thinks that I can more effectively save the world by using a more positive message - talk about what I'm fer rather than what I'm agin.

In an unusual twist, I've decided to take her advice. This is despite the fact that I have discovered that Monica Goodling's testimony before Congress provides evidence that her former colleague and current US attorney Tim Griffin conspired with Karl Rove to commit vote fraud during the 2004 Presidential election. Nope, I'm not going to talk about that.

Instead, I'm going to focus on the good. So, what is so damn good around here? Well, for starters, there's me. I'm pretty good and smart to boot. Oh, I forgot to mention good-looking.

Peace my Brothers and Sisters,
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Reports on the New Monica-Gate

No, not that Monica. This time, it's Monica Goodling, the former Director of Public Affairs for the US Department of Justice. She testified today in Congressional hearings about the dismissal of US Attorneys.

I know folks have gone on and on about that whole mess, but that's not what concerns me. The bug up my butt today is trying to figure out how the hell Miss Goodling became a top-level official in the Justice Department to begin with.

First, Monica Goodling is 33 years old. If she were a whiz kid who graduated top of her class from Harvard Law School, it still would raise some eyebrows that she made it this high up the organization chart by the age of 33. Yet, she isn't a whiz kid, and she didn't graduate top of her class from Harvard.

So, what the heck is going on here? She graduated from Law School in 1999. She got hired by the Department of Justice in 2001. What could she have been doing in 2000? Oh, that's right, she was an opposition researcher for the Republican National Committee during the presidential campaign. By the way, she worked in the RNC alongside Tim Griffin who was recently appointed by Alberto Gonzales to replace one of them fired US attorneys. What a coincidence!

Miss Goodling graduated from Regent University Law School. This is the school founded by Pat Robertson to (according to their mission statement), "Bring to bear the will of our Creator, Almighty God, upon legal education and the legal profession."

Well, maybe it's a good school anyway, right? Not exactly, US News ranks it as a "Tier 4" law school, the lowest tier. It ranked 136th out of 170 schools reviewed. Over the past four years, Regent grads have passed the Virginia bar exam only 51.5% of the time. The statewide pass rate is 73%, and Regent ranks the lowest of any law school in Virginia.

Well, ol' Monica must be some sort of anomaly, right? The Regent University website recently claimed that 150 Regent grads had served in the Bush administration. They also say that their Washington DC alumni association has 867 members (out of 9,617 total alumni). Sure seems like they have quite a focus on politics. Not sure how many preachers they graduate.

Now, I know that some of you are thinking that ol' Stevie Joe is just a cranky liberal who's just bent on bad-mouthing Republicans. You're thinking that maybe Monica didn't go to the best school, but that doesn't mean she isn't qualified to help run the Justice Department. I'm sure that her college website will reveal her hidden genius and qualifications (ignore the typos - spellcheckers didn't work all that well in 1997).
After you read all about her hobbies and family, take a look at her resume. It makes her qualifications quite clear. She was a swim instructor, worked the front desk at a Holiday Inn, was the editor of her college yearbook, and student government president! She sounds more than ready to help run the US Justice Department to me!

Onward Christian Soldiers!
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe Gets an Update on Junior's Accident

I learned today that the events that led to Junior crashing Jimmy's motorcycle at Mayor Barney's Mudslide Estates began Saturday evening at the Maple Leaf. The Maple Leaf is a local tavern that is decorated with all sorts of hockey memorabilia and Canadian flags. Everyone in town assumed that Scooter Thompson, owner of the Maple Leaf, was either from Canada and/or a rabid hockey fan. However, I asked Scooter about that once, and he denied it. He claims that the bar was decorated that way when he bought it. However, I know for a fact that the previous owner was a mean old cajun from Lake Charles, Louisiana. So, it all remains a mystery.

Anyway, Junior was drinking at the Maple Leaf on Saturday night, and he already had a few beers in him. He spotted Juanita over by the jukebox and went over to talk to her. In the version of the story that I heard, Junior said to Juanita, "Do you have a keg in your pants because I'd like to tap that ass." Junior claims no recollection of such a remark.

Well, whatever he said, it ticked off Jimmy who just happened to be standing behind Junior when he said it. As you might recall, Juanita is the love of Jimmy's life. Jimmy is a simple man. He doesn't say much, and he doesn't ask for much. Most things are just fine with Jimmy, but don't go messing with Juanita.

As you can imagine, this created a little situation which Jimmy decided to address by punching Junior in the ear. Now, Junior is no fighter. So, he figured that his best line of defense would be to scream like a little girl and fake a traumatic injury. Jimmy, disgusted at Junior's complete lack of pride, momentarily hesitated. It was long enough for Junior to make a break for the door. Once outside, he kept running and screaming all the way across town.

You would think that would be the end of it, but Junior had other plans. As usual, these plans would wind up biting him in the ass. Junior was so mad at Jimmy for punching him in the ear that he decided to make off with the other love of Jimmy's life, his motorcycle. Of course, Junior doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle, but why would that stop him? You know the rest.

Don't mess around with Jim,
Stevie Joe Parker

Stevie Joe and Junior Junior

Junior has a dog. His name is Junior Junior because he's just like Junior - he lies around all day, mooches food from everyone, and has peed on nearly every lawn in town. I wouldn't say that Junior "owns" the dog since he just showed up one day. I'm not even sure that Junior takes care of the dog. For all I know, the dog takes care of Junior.

Anyway, I awoke this morning to the sound of Junior Junior scratching at my door. I figured he was hungry and looking for some chow, but when I opened the door, he began to run down the walk. When he reached the street, he stopped and turned to look back at me. The damn dog wanted me to follow him. He probably learned such bossy behavior while teaching Junior how to fetch him food.

Anyway, I decided to put on my boots and go along. At least I would get a little walk out of it. As we approached the main drag, I saw Dickie Jensen carrying an American flag and marching right down the middle of the street. I asked him, "What the hell are you doing, Dickie?"

He replied, "Somebody has got to stand up for this country, goddammit!" Good old Dickie, the nutjob.

Junior Junior passed right through the downtown and led me out to Mayor Barney's Mudslide Estates. It was there that I saw Jimmy's motorcycle on its side in the mud. About ten feet away was Junior, also on his side in the mud. I ran up to him and shook his shoulders to see if the damn fool was still alive. He opened his eyes, looked at me, and furrowed his brow. With a strange look on his face, he said, "You don't look to good, Juanita." With that, his eyes closed, and his head plopped back into the mud. The idiot was drunk.

Now, Junior doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle (as evidenced by the results of this latest attempt), and Jimmy doesn't let anyone borrow his bike. Something must have happened last night to get Junior worked up enough to do this. While I pondered that, I walked on back to the house to pick up the Big Blue Wagon so I could haul Junior's sorry ass home. Junior Junior walked alongside looking quite content. Smart dog. Maybe smarter than Junior.

Woof,
Stevie Joe Parker