Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Stevie Joe Plays Diplomat

This morning I heard a scratching and whining at my backdoor. I thought maybe it was Junior Junior coming back to perform more Lassie-style heroics, but it was Junior himself. He was just a mess and smelled something awful (not that Junior's everyday scent is all that agreeable).

Apparently, he and Dickie Jensen had both been in hiding from Jimmy for quite some time. They had been camping down by the river below Mayor Barney's Mudslide Estates. Every now and then, one of them would sneak back up to Dickie's house for some food (Junior never has food in the house). Fear of Jimmy and a lack of liquid assets had kept them away from the market, and they had finally run out of stuff to eat.

Of course, I told Junior that they were both idiots and Jimmy probably wouldn't kill them so they should just come home. Junior needed some greater assurance and asked me to broker a peace deal for them. So, I went on over to Jimmy's place to see what could be done. As you can imagine, Jimmy is still sore at both Junior and Dickie seeing as how is motorcycle is wrecked and his hair half burnt off.

Jimmy seemed open to the idea of not killing them, but we were having a heckuva time figuring out how they could make amends. Neither one has any money or marketable skills. Jimmy won't tolerate having Junior around the house doing chores as this would place him in close proximity to Juanita. It was gonna be pretty darned hard for Junior to pay off the cost of fixing the motorcycle.

There was no way for Dickie to help Jimmy's hair grow back any faster. If it were anyone else, maybe you could get even by shaving his hair so he would suffer a similar humiliation. The problem here, however, is that you can't humiliate a guy who voluntarily runs around town nekkid.

That's when it occurred to us that the solution was to have Dickie do chores around Jimmy's house and to shave off Junior's hair. Both would also have to agree to allow Jimmy to give them public wedgies at any time for the rest of their natural lives.

Welcome home, boys!
Stevie Joe Parker

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